Category Archives: Things That Amuse Me—

Why You Should Pull Over And Let Us Pass (Or Hahahahahaha…)

A quick thank you to one of the police cars of Newham.
There we were last night – driving on blue lights and sirens to a job which would ultimately prove to be as dull as ditchwater.

I'm racing down Barking road, I always race to high priority jobs, it's what I'm paid to do.

Ahead of us, at the junction with Ron Leighton way there is a police car. They see and hear us coming, so they pull over to let us pass. Just then another car decides to overtake the police car in the middle of the junction, pulling out in front of us we have to slam on the brakes to avoid driving into them.

I may have honked our horn at them.

So it was with much merriment that I saw in our rear view mirror the police car pulling the car over in preparation for a jolly good talking to.

We were laughing about it for the rest of our shift.

So if anyone from Newham police read this (and I know that some do), a big thanks from this particular LAS crew.

I also wonder if the driver of the car is that rarity in Newham – someone with a valid license, road tax and insurance.

Pill

You may have seen this before, but I read it for the first time last night, and my ribs are still hurting because I was laughing so much.  As I’m not working for the next couple of days you are going to have to put up with whatever I can think of.  If you behave yourself I may do some live posting on my Friday nightshift.

Enjoy…

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Bleurgh

For the past five nights the majority of my patients have been sick with one or more of the following…

  • High temperature.
  • Runny nose.
  • Vomiting.
  • Night sweats.
  • Lethargy.
  • Cough.
  • ‘Generally unwell’.

So there must be at least one highly infectious disease epidemic in the area, while you or I might want to curl up in bed with some Lemsip and paracetamol, it would seem that a large number of Newham would rather sit in an A&E waiting room.

Madness.

Which leads me to the point of this post.  Us ambulance crews spend a lot of time around these infectious patients, patients who have often never been taught the good manners of putting their hand over their mouth when they cough.

So is it any wonder that I’ve got painful eyes, a streaming nose, a constant mild headache and a feeling that I’m suffering from a mild hangover.

But.

Us ambulance crews mustn’t have more than three periods of sick in an eighteen month period.

So I’m having to drag my potentially infectious body into work – where maybe I can infect some more people…

So in conclusion.

Send me nurses – pretty female nurses with plenty of drugs.*

 

 

*With apologies to another writer/blogger who also asks for nurses and never seems happy when I mention my previous career.

Mouse

I've read all the comments that people have left on the last post, and I've decided to humanely trap and release the mouse that is left.  It just ran across the floor towards my main computer, where I think he makes his home.

The thought of disease didn’t bother me (after all you are aware of the types of people I see daily), trailing urine across the floor is nothing that I don’t do myself sometimes…

It was the cable chewing that did it for me – if I could trust him not to chew my cables, then he could stay, but he can’t be trusted not to find a Mrs mouse and have thousands of cable chewing offspring.  Also it wouldn’t be fair on my neighbors.

So the trap is loaded with chocolate (and yes, I did use that as an excuse to buy myself a bar of chocolate), and I fully expect to have him joining his friend later today.

To answer a few more comments, he looked bedraggled because he was sweating after being stuck in the trap all night trying to get out.  He was not a FBUA at any point during his captivity, and I can’t keep wild mice in a cage because the stress tends to kill them.

I got the picture of him because I let him run around a plastic tub (the bottom of a paper shredder to be exact) for a bit – for the express purpose of getting a picture of him using my new Macro lens for my camera.

I do still like mice despite their ability to multiply, any race that can give humans a run-around is alright in my book.

If my flat caught fire the rest of the block wouldn’t go up – something I’m very grateful for seeing as people here torch their flats in either drug related accidents, or as a way to get re-housed.

And how did I live with seven nurses?  Well – I was one of them, and I was at work most of the time, or asleep/drunk/shagging for the rest of the time.  Time passed very quickly there…