The two women sit in the pub drinking heavily. One of them puts down the phone having called for her husband to come and walk her home.
She turns to the other woman and says, “I've going to have a laugh on the way home”.
“How's that”, the other replies.
“Well, I'm going to get halfway home and then 'discover' that I can't walk. So I'm going to throw myself on the floor and roll around like a two-year old having a temper tantrum”.
“Won't that get you dirty?”, the other woman says.
“Well, yeah, but that doesn't matter. I'm then going to wail at the top of my lungs – I won't be talking, just grunting groaning and making a noise.”
“Sounds like fun”, says her friend.
“That's not the best bit, because then someone is going to call for an ambulance, but not until after I've dug my fingernails into some good Samaritans who got too close”.
“Oh, you are so funny”.
“Then when the ambulance people turn up I'm going to keep doing this, then when they pick me up I'll try to pinch them and then yank the hand of one of them so hard that, even in a few days time, he'll have a painful wrist. Actually, he'll even find it painful to type all the way into Tuesday.”
Taking a gulp of her Bacardi and Coke the other woman asks, “But why will he be picking you up?”.
'Well, he'll be thinking that drunks don't normally act like this, so he'll be thinking that I might have had a fit (although no one will have witnessed it), or that I'm having a brain haemorrhage. I'll make sure that I'll get an ambulance man who tells any students he meets that 'alcohol doesn't protect you against other serious conditions'”.
“Very wise”, the other woman says, “Getting a sucker like that”.
“It gets better – when I get into the ambulance I'll start kicking the trolley in an attempt to break it, and sometimes I'll take a kick at the ambulance man”.
The other woman smiles, “Sounds like good times”.
“That's what I thought – what'll make it more fun is that I'll be sure to time the doctor realising that I've just been drinking and kicking me out so that the ambulance man sees it all”.
“Won't he be angry?”
“Yep – that's what makes it so much fun – because he can't say anything or I'll complain and he'l lose his job. And even better – he can't go off work sick to rest his wrist, because then he'll get disciplined for being sick”.
“Sounds hilarious – time for another before you leave?”.
Yes. It did happen, although I doubt this was the conversation, it might have been the husband who commented on his wife's drunkenness and so she decided to prove that she wasn't 'drunk' she was 'ill'. That happens quite a bit as well.
All I know is that, as I was nursing my wrist with a makeshift icepack, there are some people who could probably benefit form having a good slapping.
But, of course, that would be wrong as she is a poor innocent flower, a victim of some terrible trauma. And I'm just the sucker that goes to look after them.
Still doesn't stop my wrist from hurting, while the only consequence she has to face is a hangover – and she call call an ambulance for that…