It's getting harder for me to blog because I'm trying to not lose my sanity.
You see, this blog has been a place for me to tell stories but it has also been a place for me to get angry – to shout about crappy social care, uncaring and criminal nursing homes, the misuse of our service and, indeed, the mistakes that I think the government and our own management have made.
But of late I've come to realise that getting angry about things doesn't matter, not really.
I can shout all I like, rant and rave, fill in paperwork and publicise things on this blog – and the net result of all that energy, strain and anger is precisely nil.
So I've been working on not getting angry anymore about things that I cannot change.
No blankets on my ambulance – not my fault.
No essential medical kit on my ambulance – I'll muddle along without, but it's not my fault.
Being sent on 'active area cover' 800 yards from the station – So what if it's almost certainly against the policy I'll meekly go there like a lamb.
Someone dials 999 because they've had a blocked nose for three hours? – Fine, come on to my ambulance and I'll drive you to A&E where you can wait for hours.
I'll try not to listen to the desperate calls for ambulances to go to a fitting child.
You dialled 999 because you want 'treatment' for the headache you've had for the past hour – sure, I'll point out that it says 'Emergency' on the side of the ambulance and not 'GP', 'Pharmacy', or 'Most things get better left alone'. Then I'll take you to hospital and you can sit in a noisy, brightly lit waiting room for three hours and fifty minutes.
When the drunk with the cut to his head turns violent, or walks off, I'm not going to struggle with them to get them into my ambulance.
Basically I'm worn – nothing I do has any wider effect than the comfort that I can give to the patient in front of me and their relatives. If I keep worrying and getting angry I'm going to lose my head.
So, I shall continue to treat my patients to the best of my ability with the equipment that I have to hand and the training that I have been given – and to stop worrying about the big picture.
The only downside to this is that, without the passionate hatred of where things are going so obviously wrong, I'm finding it hard to be motivated to write blog posts.
After all it's a bit tricky to write something interesting about a young man calling an ambulance because he vomited once.
And so this is my 'excuse' as it were as to why my blogging has been light of late.
I'm also somewhat fed up about double standards.
That's lied about something – still very wrong, but really? A year in jail?
Especially when you look at this,
A Rotherhithe woman received a suspended sentence after attacking a paramedic and police officer who tried to assist her. Kate Ibrahim, 30, of Tawny Way, pleaded guilty, having changed her plea since a previous appearance, to two counts of assault.
Or even this little charmer – who, if I met in the course of my work I'd have to call sir…
A joyrider has walked free from court after killing a police dog and injuring two officers in a road smash while three times over the drink-drive limit. As his 12-month prison sentence was suspended at Newcastle Crown Court, Sean Lawson, 20, shouted ‘Get in!’
I don't know – I just feel like buggering off to a remote island somewhere and letting people get on with it.
My comment on the paramedic jailed for lying, because a lot of people have asked is simple – if he'd said that he couldn't start resuscitation because of the size of the patient and the cramped environment he'd probably have been fine. I don't really see the point of lying about it, at the end of the day the police and the coroner would have understood (and this is why I suspect he's been jailed for lying rather than for manslaughter or similar.
Still, he's got a year to think about it.