I really need to get hold of a proper written statement so that I can make sure the format and language is more realistic, rather than sounding like one of my statements to a coroners court. What this hopefully shows is that the story is not going to be all first person/interviews.
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Personal report of Cpt. P. Almert, Bureau des Impôts 12th March 2011.
On the date in question I was commanding an armed fire-team at Jersey Airport. Our duties for that day were to provide a rapid response to any situation that required a less than lethal/lethal response.
I was initially informed of the incident by officer Tregourny, he had called for general assistance over the radio to the arrivals terminal. As we were nearby I instructed my team that we would provide this assistance.
On arrival to the scene I saw that a number of passengers were bleeding, in the confusion and panic of the public it took me approximately four minutes to reach officer Tregourny. He then indicated two people who seemed to be the cause of the disturbance.
The adult male had gained possession of an asp and was using this to attack member of the public, I later learned that this asp was issued to officer Hawes (deceased).
The adult female was attempting to scratch anyone who approached her, as I watched she removed a shoe and brandished it as a weapon.
At this time I did not see the female child.
As the scene was unsecured with large numbers of the public still present it was my decision to utilise less than lethal options.
Officers Ferruge and Halls advanced upon the two adults and with assistance from the rest of the fire-team subdued the two assailants with incapacitant spray and non-lethal blows and control techniques.
It was then I received a call from our control desk that another attack was happening in the female toilets of the arrival terminal.
As the rest of my team were still dealing with the two adults I made the decision to attend the scene on my own in order to secure the safety of the public. I knew that as soon as the rest of my team were free to assist they would make their way to my location.
I approached the female toilets with my issued incapacitant spray in my hand. From within I could hear the sound of a female screaming.
I entered the toilet and made my way to the end stall. It was there I found the female child biting into an adult female’s stomach. My instant assessment was that the wound that the child had caused was immediately life-threatening.
I shouted a warning at the child and she turned to look at me. Her mouth was covered with blood and in her hands she held viscera of the adult female.
As I prepared to use the incapacitant spray the female child leapt at me and knocked me aside, my spray was also dislodged from my hand.
I was knocked to the ground and the female child turned to attack me again. I was aware that this child had the chance of inflicting serious or life-threatening injuries to me. I was also aware that the attacked female needed immediate medical attention.
I then discharged my pistol into the female child three times, all three rounds striking the child in the chest.
I believe that the female child died immediately from these wounds.
I then radioed my team for assistance and called for immediate, urgent medical assistance for the attacked female.
I later learned that the attacked female died from complications of surgery.
Dispassionate report of vastly frightening/emotional events = stylistic win.Very very nice.
oooh. Now you've got me. OK, you had me from installment 1 but now we're seeing the shape of it & I'm really hoping this makes it to a finished novel. Don't stop 🙂
And thus the zombie crisis begins. Not with a bang, but with a gnawing.
Althought 1st person can sound a bit like a witness statement, I think you can get away with it in this case when you consider the subject matter. Without wishing to sound like a weekend writing-course critique – It gives a sense of isolation. Keep writing!!
This doesn't feel quite finished, I get the strong feeling you'll go back to this when the book is done and rewrite it. For now, though, it definitely does the job. I was mildly curious, then slightly confused, then horrified.The use of 'female' and 'male' as opposed to 'man' and 'woman' give it an official report feel rather than a personal, but dispassionate account of horrific events. I am assuming this is what you're going for, but with your preface, I am not sure.
Yep – it's supposed to be an official report. The official reports that I write tend to be little stories, but I really want to throw this in as a contrast for what goes on before.There are a few other format changes for different sections as things trot along.
(For another section I'm writing the text of a website, and also a pamphlet, amongst other things)