Fear My Psychic Ability

We walk up the stairs to the teenager who has 'fallen, swollen arm', to be greeted by a fourteen year old girl with her arm in a tubigrip.

I start with my usual opening gambit, “Hello, what seems to be the problem?”

“I fell over yesterday innit”, she says, “now my arm hurts and it's swollen innit”.

('Innit' is how a full stop is pronounced in my part of the world).

“Let's have a look then”, I say and she pulls the tubigrip off her arm, “so, how did you fall?”

“Dunno just fell over, and it hurts now innit”.

I take one look at the injury, the bruising and swelling around the hand in a rather specific place.

“So, you didn't fall over did you? What did you punch, a wall, a door or a window?”

She looked at me as if I'd grown another head.

“You can't fool me, for I have fearsome psychic powers”, I tell her, “Also it's a classic Boxer's fracture, so, wall or door?”

“Yeah, alright”, she admits, “I was having a row, right, and I punched the wall.”

“Fair enough, you'll need to go to hospital for an x-ray and treatment – and in the future don't try lying to ambulance staff, for we are wise in the ways of the world”.

I wiggled my fingers like an old-time psychic, “We. know. all.”

She looked at me with an open mouth.

28 thoughts on “Fear My Psychic Ability”

  1. “('Innit' is how a full stop is pronounced in my part of the world).”Best line EVER!

    Love it. Delurking to say how much I love it!

  2. Regarding the word 'innit', there's the story (supposedly true) of the chav who goes into an employment centre and says to an employee. 'Your sign outside. I don't like it cos it says Get A Job Innit. It takes the mickey outta us kids.'The employee goes outside with this oik, looks at the sign and says 'No. It says Get A job In I.T.'

  3. “So, you didn't fall over did you? What did you punch, a wall, a door or a window?”You can't be that jaded by the job or 'person' would have been in the list somewhere!

  4. I'm not being elitist or anything but doesn't the level of some ppl's intelligence make u wonder sometimes?

  5. “('Innit' is how a full stop is pronounced in my part of the world).”also in my part of the world its also “right” as a full stop!!!

  6. Strange the sorts of injury one can get from 'falling'Central London, First Aid post, 0200 New Years Day – a very sober, very large, gent in smart DJ walks in to seek attention to some quite deep cuts/abrasions to knuckles of R hand. Apparently the injury happened during a dispute outside the Club where he worked as a Doorman. As the impact occurred with his fist clenched, I suspect that it was someone else who had “fallen”?

  7. mr reynolds, you are spending far too much time in world of warcraft – you are starting to sound like the characters! i know – i am married to a world of warcraft addict…

  8. World of Warcraft or Witchcraft?While enjoying this post I was actually thinking I will start calling him Yoda from now on.

  9. Why do people tell these lies? If I had a pound for the number of youngsters smelling of liquor I've had to patch up, usually just after the clubs/pubs close, who've bumped into a door, tripped over a kerb…..One typical young chap comes in saying that he's “bumped into a lamppost”, nicely split eyebrow, lots of blood but the eye showed no damage itself. So, sewed him up neatly, advised him to go home and rest. Looks at me blandly: “No, I think I'll go back and look for that lamppost.”

  10. Ref Lamp-posts, when I was far younger, and spent far more of my time intoxicated, I once walked into a lamp-post whilst staggering home drunk. The mate who was with me, tells me that I not only walked into said lamp-post, but also turned round to it and apologized profusely!

  11. LOL! Love that lightbulb moment on a kid's face when it suddenly realises someone twice (or more) their age might actually have learnt a thing or two while they themselves were still in nappies.Having said that I picked up this self-same injury accidentally punching a car while running through a car-park so it 'can' happen without intent. Well I remember the amused look when in response to a query as to whether I got the car's number I replied that it was parked and I was the one speeding without due care…

  12. Ohhh, these rags (newspapers) make me so cross!Quote (from the item):

    “However should a crew be disturbed they will still require a further 30-minute break during which they are unavailable”

    The crew (in most circumstances) don't “require” a further 30 minute break! They have been told by EU regulations that they HAVE to have a break!

    I agree that most crews would happily put down their cup of tea and sandwich to responde to a Cat A. In fact, I have been on my break, heard a job on the radio and actually offered to go and been turned down while control sent a crew from 20 miles away!

    Government Targets v EU Regulations……. Just why can't they get their act together…..

    *As an aside… has anyone noticed how 90% of jobs given over the last week or so ALL have 'swine flu' symptoms?? The only job I had yesterday which didn't have swine flu symptoms actually turned out to be swine flu!*

  13. “In fact, I have been on my break, heard a job on the radio and actually offered to go and been turned down while control sent a crew from 20 miles away!”I've received a job at the end of my break that they had held for 47 minutes…amber call, elderly male in pain! Isn't it great?

    Also that thing everyone says about control making you unavailable when they try and put you on break…we actually had a message down our MDT asking us not to press 'green away' then 'green mobile' as they had made us unavailable to send us back for break! Needless to say that one ended up as a picture on my crewmate's phone…

  14. I went to a job a couple of months back in a place where the floor was quite slippery, so, being unlucky, I slipped and smacked a wall with my outstretched hand trying to stop myself from going head first into it. I ended up with some lovely tissue damage around the left hand and wrist.. I thought to myself, I hope they clean the floor next time they need a crew to come.

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