Chasing Air

It is a proven scientific fact that people who make hoax calls to the emergency services have much smaller than average penises.

Just thought you'd like to be made of that fact.


We had found ourselves on station, something of a rarity, and like all good emergency workers at 5am in the morning had dropped off to sleep within seconds of sitting down.

I'd like to say that I'd been asleep long enough for my drool to stick my face to the sofa that I was laying on, however in all honesty I tend to drool before I go to sleep.

But then, as is always the case, the activation phone went – we were being sent on a stabbing!

Of course I've given away the surprise twist to this story, I wouldn't be dealing with something interesting that actually required an ambulance, instead we would be driving up and down the road looking in vain for what I was hoping would be an interesting blogpost.

The thing that made us think that it was the genuine article is that there have been an ton of stabbings in my patch at the moment, probably, but not limited to, fallout over the boy who was stabbed to death a few streets down from our ambulance station.

For a while it seemed that everywhere we drove there would be police tape across the road, cordoning off another stabbing.

But not for us, no blue lighting to a trauma centre. Instead a search of the area and a message to Control of, 'Area searched, no trace'.

And then, the very next day, someone was stabbed to death around the corner.

15 thoughts on “Chasing Air”

  1. It's frustratingWe have a guy in our area who uses a payphone for his weekly 0300 phone call:

    “Help me I'm dying!!” *click*

    We always have to go check it out though, because one day I'm sure he will get stabbed.

  2. Along with the people with incredibly small penises (and equally miniscule brains), the hoaxers awake at 5:00 include:the ones who have been on the piss all night, and have decided what an awfully good idea a hoax call would be to round the evening off;

    the people who have become bored with playing computer games till the early hours, and want a bit of REAL excitement (eg seeing an emergency vehicle driving on blues and twos;

    people with certain MH problems, for whom nocturnal insomnia is usual, and those on certain medications, which similarly have insomnia as a side effect, Oh and

    I once read that poorly-paid, very bored night security guards were prone to making hoax calls, but whether that's still the case I have no idea.

  3. Random fact of the day.Please note:

    The plural of penis is penes. (Not to be confused with paninis. Not the same. At all.)

  4. Tom you make your patch sound really rough with all the stabbings. Is it really that bad at the moment as I have to book a hotel in the Canning town area?

  5. To be honest, it's not that bad as long as you are…a) Not in a gang

    b) Not a drug dealer, and

    c) Not having sex with someone else's girlfriend.

    I walk around there all the time and feel quite safe, as evidenced by the low number of random muggings I go to.

    I should really write this up as a full blogpost.

  6. You got a brief mention on the BBC news last night (television, the BBC news-all-the-time channel). They had a story about ambulance workers being victims of assaults.

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