It's been a fair few days since I last blogged, it's probably the longest that I've gone without blogging ever since I started.
It's because of this that I'm a bad boyfriend.
Sometimes, especially when the days are short, I lose all my energy. That isn't all, I also just want to shut myself down, hide myself away and ignore the world. When I'm forced to leave my house I find myself wishing for the sudden painful death of the people around me purely because they are annoying me.
My body shows it's tension in my neck a jaw, so I sit in pain from a stiff neck and jaw muscles. My crewmate knows this well, so 'would you like some chewing gum?' is her coded way of showing that she has spotted my growing anger. Chewing gum, you see, helps with loosening the jaw.
The lack of energy for anything besides moaning means that my writing 'muse', such as it is, disappears off on holiday – I hope it's sunny there.
I find myself 'self-medicating', this is why I find myself playing computer games, the simplicity of pointing and clicking fosters a rhythm in my brain that I equate with the sorts of effects I used to get when I was indulging in meditation.
And this is why I'm a bad boyfriend, because I can suddenly become no fun to be around – and you can guess what the above effects have on my sex-drive.
So this is why I don't have a girlfriend, or why I can't keep one – because at some point I just stop liking them, like I stop liking the rest of humanity, and that's that…
I'll slip in and out of this state of mind between now and Spring, I have more reason than most to hate Christmas.
So if I vanish for a few days, hopefully I'm alright – it's just that I've not got the energy to put finger to keyboard. I've a few things lined up to write about, but it's all about getting in the right frame of mind for it.
EDITED: To make it clear that I don't have a girlfriend, and this is just one reason why – I realised that I was getting across the completely wrong message. Blame the hormones…