Going Sarf

Normally if I get sent to someone who isn't 'sick' I'll start grinding my teeth and begin composing angry blogposts in my head. However, sometimes it's great to go to someone who isn't acutely ill.

We were on the edge of our patch following our last job and were dismayed to find that the current job was going to send us far, far out of our area. We assumed that it wasn't going to be an easy job either as it was sent to us as 'Mentally ill man, walking down middle of the road'. The last job I remember like this the man was 6'2″ tall, naked and covered in his own faeces…

But the police were the ones who called us, so we guessed that the scene would be safe.

Our patient turned out to be in his fifties and suffering from dementia. A check showed that he hadn't suffered any physical harm. The police had already determined where he came from – he'd escaped from his care home two days ago. He'd also crossed the river so in order to return him home we'd have to head into the dreaded South London.

To be honest, I don't know why the police didn't return him themselves – I suppose that there was a fear that they would miss some tricky medical condition. Or maybe it was just that they share our dislike of crossing the Thames.

It's their own fault then that they didn't get to meet the care staff, nor have the satisfaction of being thanked and seeing the patient returned home safely.

It actually seemed like a nice home, the carers seemed decent people and

I commented on the security bars over the windows of the home to one of the staff, suggesting that it should have made it harder for our patient to escape.

“Oh”, she said, “that's not to keep the residents in, it's to stop the locals from smashing the windows and stealing the residents property”.

Is it any wonder I don't like going South of the River? At least in my part of London all we have to worry about is terrorists.


And if I can be allowed one bit of snark at the expense of two people who might be found innocent, is it any wonder the NHS is in the state it's in if doctors (who are supposed to be smart) can 'mastermind' one of the crazier attempts at bombing civilians? Exploding gas cylinders? Really? Is that the best they could come up with? Still they did manage to get one half of suicide bombing right.

I mean – civilian crazies are better at making things explode, even if it is at the wrong time.


Please note, all disparaging remarks about being South of the River, and of the inhabitants of South London being the sort of people who eat their own children have been made purely for comedic effect.

And when did Iceland become terrorists?, I mean, there isn't any other reason to use anti-terror legislation is there?

5 thoughts on “Going Sarf”

  1. One of the most gratifying moments of my career came when we found a lost lady, about fifty, suffering from dementia wandering around Providence. Being demented myself, I managed to communicate with her enough to squeeze a phone number out of her. Turns out I called search party central (not really a place, just a family members home where the search party had gathered); she had been missing for days and her family and friends had ammassed a huge effort to find her. I was present when the family came to the hospital to retrieve her. You would think I was Superman from all the attention. I loved it.Nice blog, glad I finally found it. I'm going to buy your book. My own book has made its way to your side of the pond, but please, don't feel as though I expect you to buy one in return, it still costs a fortune to buy it and ship it there. Maybe soon I'll have better distribution.

  2. Tom,And when did Iceland become terrorists?, I mean, there isn't any other reason to use anti-terror legislation is there?

    No bigger indictment is needed for the epitaph of this government and democracy in general in saying that it is not what this law should cover but what it does cover, which is everyone; there is no phrase specifying that someone must be accused of being a terrorist or involved in terrorist activities; it can be used on anyone, anywhere. It is why council workers can raid your bin or make sure your children aren't illegally operating outside a catchment area. It is despotism, pure and simple.

  3. “Civilian crazies”? Whoa there. Since the police treated him as a vulnerable adult when they interviewed him, maybe you could manage to do the same.

  4. “Still they did manage to get one half of suicide bombing right.”I actually nearly weed myself laughing at this – nice one!

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