There is a secret(ish) forum for as ambulance staff, one of the people there posted this, while slightly tongue in cheek I thought that it would be shamefully wasted if it stayed on the forum. I reproduce it here for your reading pleasure. Send happy thoughts and wishes of quiet nightshifts to 'The Saint' who originally wrote this.
Would all helpful passers by please note:
If you really must ring for an ambulance for someone you see collapsed/dead/fitting/sat in a shop doorway, please ring then, and not three hours later, by which time – not surprisingly – the deceased has got up and left.
Two adult males sitting outside South Kensington tube station, sharing a bottle of Diamond White cider are NOT collapsed – they are having breakfast/dinner/lunch/a party. Singing, talking, vomiting and belching are all indications that the said males are alive.
Someone who is sitting in a shop doorway when it’s pissing with rain is SHELTERING, not collapsed.
Just because someone with crutches is sitting down, they are not necessarily in need of medical intervention. Having hospital crutches is a clue. They have already been to hospital, and have been discharged.
If you really feel you just have to interfere in the life of a person happily sitting there drinking himself into alcoholic oblivion, when you ask him if he needs an ambulance, please take it as a massive clue when he says “Faaaaaaaaarrrrrrkkkkkk Ovvvvvvvvvvv!!!!!” This is his little way of saying “Thank you for your concern, but I’m fine.”
When someone tells you they are fine, and they do not want an ambulance, please, please, please believe them. They are NOT lying – they know what they are doing.
Someone who is staggering between point A and point B CAN walk. The helpful clue is the movement of the legs and feet. If someone tells you that they cannot walk, but their legs are moving, THEY ARE LYING. Don’t believe them.
Green stuff coming from a drunks’ nose is NOT a reason for an emergency ambulance – it is actually a reason for an emergency hankie. Green stuff emanating from the patient’s nose is very rarely Cerebro-Spinal Fluid, despite what you might have learnt from Casualty, ER and Holby City. It is SNOT.
If you see a pair of legs under a car, and the legs are surrounded by mechanic’s tools, the person under the car has NOT been run over – he is more than likely to be FIXING it. Other clues are the radio playing nearby, and the deceased singing along to the music.
Talking of cars, if you happen to see several cars colliding with each other, and you can’t get through to the ambulance service, have a look around you. Yes, the other twenty people with phones stuck to their ears are ALL calling the ambulance service. That’s why you can’t get through. And please tell us the right location – saying you are on Greenford Broadway when you are on Southall Broadway is less than helpful. And please don’t insist you are right and the other twenty callers are wrong – it is highly unlikely.
Oh – and – please do not call the ambulance service if you see 200 people fighting on Fulham Broadway on Friday night. We are not remotely interested, and will not become interested until the police arrive. The police have guns, batons and CS gas, and can deal with a large fight a lot better than two female LAS personnel who are five feet nothing and jointly weigh 12 stone, and are only armed with rubber gloves and a frothy cappuccino from the Wild Bean Cafe. Please ring the police first – we’ll pop along a bit later. Honestly. We will.
Finally – the dictionary meaning of the phrase “passer by” is “A person who happens to be walking past someone or something.” It does not say “A person who stops and interferes. Don't do it Mate – it's not worth it!!
(I'm horribly ill at the moment, so this is also a cheating way of posting without much work on my part).