“Male, 40 years old – fitting”.

It was a park, it was midday.  I didn’t really need to see the update that said,

“Patient with two males, both appear drunk”.

I think that it is a law of the universe that your middle-aged, middle of the day, middle of the park fitter will be an alcoholic.  That or they are an epileptic alcoholic.

As we approached the scene my crewmate asked where I thought it would be.

“Well, the drunks tend to hide down by that end, it’s close to the off license”.

I was right.  Our patient looked familiar, but after a while they all look familiar.  I did recognise his two friends, one had been picked up two days ago, the other was another of our regular callers.

“He’s had another fit”, said the slightly more sober one, “He’s had three today”.

“Yeah”, said the other taking a swig from a big bottle of cheap cider, “He’s epileptic but he doesn’t take his tablets”.

Our patient had the same ground in grime that you get from sitting on a park bench drinking all day, then falling over and going to sleep in the bushes before heading home at some point in the early hours.  A simple job to load him up onto the stretcher, check him out and give him some oxygen and pop him into hospital.

My crewmate and I were inspecting him in the ambulance when I felt an urge to pass wind.

It was perfect timing, I could blame it on the semi-conscious patient.

My crewmate groaned, “I think he’s pooed himself”.

I told her the truth.


By the time we reached the hospital the patient was a lot more awake, so we spoke to the handover nurse, put him on a trolley and went outside to clean up, finish off the paperwork and *ahem* air out the back of the ambulance.

I think it was thirty seconds before we saw him walking out the department.

Probably towards the nearest off-license.

19 thoughts on “Parklife”

  1. Curry or cabbage? I'm a girl and I fart, my husband sometimes calls me “foul arse” a sort of term of endearment.. of course he NEVER farts – not true he's immensly proud of doing so and congratulates himself on sphincter control.My mum, bless her, had a massive stroke aged 68 and lived to 89. She used to do real ripplers whilst manouvering herself backwards towards the back door giggling and farting all the way.As she is no longer with us I am honour bound to maintain the family tradition

  2. I would just like to say that it was my (female) crewmate who let rip with the first fart of the day – at ten past seven in the morning. I took that as a key to be *ahem* 'free' with my anal emissions.So I think I should blame her…

  3. Is that the ambulance equivalent of “blaming it on the dog”?Love the blog Tom, keep up the good work fella.



  4. a readership of thousands, and what does the man do? Records for posterity the severity of his farts.Not that I wouldn't have done the same thing, mind.

  5. Not sure what made me laugh more, Tom's blatent 'wind fall', or batgirl's noting that thousands of people 'getting the wind of 'em' :-)Eug

  6. Tom, You really are going to get the general public thinking that we ALL do such things in the back (or front) of the ambulances…..So here's a point from me…… (Directed towards the general public!!!)…… In 10 years of doing this job I have only found that it is the MALE paramedics and emt's who have a distinct lack of control in the Farting department!!! Usually followed by much guffawing (from them!!) and a general description and overview of all the food and drink they've consumed in the last 24 hours!!

    It's not just in the back of ambulances either….

    Picture the scene, if you will…..

    At some god-forsaken time of the night, an ambulance parked up in a quiet layby on standby (strategic positioning? Pah!!),

    It's getting cold so the heating is blasting hot air at us merrily……..

    you're bored, have back and leg ache from sitting in the same position on the cramped seat, jiffling irritatingly just to keep the circulation running freely….

    and just for a bit of a giggle your crewmate drops a huge one…. NICE (NOT!!!!)…..

    The instant this occurs, control feel fit to either send us on our way to a job or move us to another standby point………. You go home at the end of your shift hours later with the pungent odour of said fart clinging to your clothes…..

    and it's so bad the smell stays with you for hours to come……

    So come on guys, spare a thought for us ladies out there on the road eh???? ;0(

    (and yes I do fart!!! but generally I am able to control such a bodily function as to do it in private away from poor, unsuspecting people!!!)

  7. You know, as an EMT myself I'd have to agree with that thought. Never once while I was on shift have any of the female crew been inconsiderate enough to let one fly (us guys on the other hand…)

  8. Hmmmm…..Me thinks out here in the stix us ladies may be a little anally retentive……


    Have decided “It's payback time….”

    (For the years of suffering……..)

    Am just off to get myself a few very large curries, some beer (From the local real ale brewery, apparently it will have the desired effect!!!), and two dozen eggs….. should keep me going 'til next shift on Wednesday……Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner……….



  9. Hey maybe I should publish the fact, put up notices, fly posters, local press etc……. It might make a few more people think twice about dialling 999…..Tom, we could be on to something here…… *Still giggling*

    Roll on wednesday……



  10. Have decided to add brussell sprouts and cabbage to the “mix” just to make sure….. ;0)as I will be working with my permanent crewmate who does at times make my life hell…..

  11. Might I also suggest a hefty dose of Andrew's Liver Salts? My Dad's personal favourite, you never want to be downwind of him after he's taken some.

  12. A sadly departed colleague of mine used to crank out some real swamp gas belters….you knew if he,d been on shift earlier as at the time the trucks we used were Lazers with cloth seats and when you sat down the swamp gas was reawoken. Nice!On another fragrant note a trick we used to play years ago on certain crews was to put a fish behind the heater grill in the saloon in winter…much merriment and green faces!!

  13. Well, farts are a required part of daily life, a guff a day keeps the doctor away!! And if you have a smelly old homeless/acopic person on board then the camouflage presents a perfect opportunity.But as in all relationships will your crewmate ever be able to distinguish your intestinal fragrance from all the other shit you deal with??

  14. LOL that was precisely my first thought as well.Though men and women produce about the same amount of gas a day, men tend to fart more times according to accepted wisdom. I guess us girls learn to hold it in a bit better along the way.

    Tom – as this isn't the first time you've blogged your farts for us, perhaps this will be of interest for you.

  15. McD BBQ Sauce and chicken nuggets – trust me on this – fart central! Oh and I don't mean that I am the guilty farty – er – party. My fiance can trump far better than I and she even grades them……gotta love those Northern red-head lasses!

  16. Hmm, I'm sure my OH wants to get a dog for exactly that reason. Maybe we should adopt a wino instead?! A few litres of White Lightning have to be cheaper than vaccinations and pedigree chum surely?!!

  17. Hey Mister Farty-Pants,Glad to see that you posted about the 'epileptic' alcoholic. As so many ready your blog, it will hopefully contribute towards educating the public, that these folks, do get cared for.

    I'm not going to elaborate further …. apart from to say, with some, it is a type of self-harm, with others, they just don't care and don't want to/can't take responsibility for themselves, either in stupor or sobriety, so it's path of least resistance and easier to stay drunk, with some, they are genuinely wanting to recover and get their lives back on track. Jeremy Vine did a programme last week on this subject and incapacity benefit.


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