I had my first famous person in the back of my ambulance the other day.
We were called to a 'Male, 51, Schizophrenic, acting violently'.
So we waited for the police to turn up, for we are not stupid.
The door was opened by a woman, she said something to the police and they pulled out their asp truncheons and loosened the straps on their CS sprays. They made their way upstairs and left the woman downstairs with us. I started to have a little chat with the woman and thought to myself, “She's a bit strange…”.
The police came down the stairs, one of them took me aside and, indicating the woman, told me that *she* was the patient and was on leave from the local mental health unit. We took her outside where she explain that, yes, she was on leave from the unit but her father had suddenly developed schizophrenia.
I asked her if it might be her mania flaring up, and if she would like to return to the unit. She agreed that this would be a good idea, so the police asked her for her name.
“Jesus”, the policewoman and I looked at each other, “Christ”, she continued.
“OK”, said the police officer, “but do you have another name, perhaps one your parents gave you?”.
The patient gave us her 'birth name' and, fetching her *huge* bag of anti-psychotic medication from under the sink she hopped into the ambulance.
We drove her straight to the mental health unit that she was on leave from. We went into a side room to talk to the mental health nurse.
“What's the story now then?”, she asked.
I told her.
The nurse tutted, “She's not really mad, she's just playing up”.
I looked at the huge bag of medicines the patient took, “But”, I said, “why is she taking all these anti-psychotics?”
“Well”, the nurse replied, “she is a bit mad, but she doesn't need to be in the unit”.
I wasn't in the mood to argue, after all it's not my place to question the long term care of the mentally ill.
We started to leave the unit.
“Have fun with Jesus Christ”, I fired over my shoulder.