*Bleurgh* *splat* *splat* *splat*

No work tonight, for I am ill.

‘Coming out both ends’ as we say in this part of the world.  I suspect that it is the revenge of last nights (cold) dinner.  My normal takeaway was closed, so I had to try a new place – forced to because there was little else open.  I was forced to eat something that I haven’t had for over two years now.

A kebab.

It appears that, with my normal diet of chicken salad wraps, my immune system has been a little out of practice, and so I now have nausea, flatulence, diarrhea and some rather painful vomiting.  Brings back happy memories of being on anti-HIV medications.

I’m scrawling this message in that blissful 10 minutes after a really good vomit, when, for a short time, everything seems alright with the world.

My manager phoned me to ask if I needed anything.  “A Bucket”, would have been the truthful reply.

Sure it’s “Anything I can do to help”, now – but when I get back to work it’ll be “Do you know how bad our sickness figures are? – do try not to be ill, there’s a good chap”, and “This is a formal/informal/written/verbal/warning/review/performance assessment”.

Still it’s not all bad, I was putting on a bit of weight, so the amount of *stuff* pouring out of me will be a benefit in the long run.  Until then, I shall be wearing a path between bed and toilet, and lamely sipping water in order to replace the gallons of fluids I seem to be losing.

If you don’t hear from me in a week, send out a search party.


I wonder if I should call an ambulance?

37 thoughts on “*Bleurgh* *splat* *splat* *splat*”

  1. I had my flu jab at 1 in the morning, I hope I dont get a cold symptoms from it! – Home made (as in microwave) kebab is the way forward I think tom!Get better soon, Your city needs you (well the pregnant ladies do)

  2. You should definately call an ambulance, after all you won't be breathing normally when you are vomitting………..

  3. Oh poor old you! That's bloody horrible. Don't forget your dioralytes (or home made equivalent)…they are magic. I do sympathise…I had same thing and it was late diagnosed Salmonella. Got it on holiday and it wasn't diagnosed until back in UK. If I hadn't routinely drunk loads of water since I was a kid I would have been hospitalised they said.At times like this, a *really* small downstairs loo is brilliant so you can puke in the basin whilst still sitting on loo!!

    Get well soon!

  4. Hey Tom, let me be the first to tell you about how you must NEVER call an ambulance when there are no lives at risk. For more information about this, you can look in the back of the Thompson Local, where there is a full-colour many-many-paged section from the NHS about what to do in an emergency.As if the Thompson Local would be the first place that you'd look when there'd been a car crash or a heart attack.

  5. ooh, not nice. Lots of water, and plot what you'll have for your first meal.Generally after a stomach bug I start with a slice of dry toast for breakfast, and if that stays down okay then half a portion of chicken fried rice for dinner. Mmmmm.

  6. oh god yes……. call an ambulance, but not now, wait till you've had the symptoms at least a week :)then get a reli to follow the ambulance in a car, and i mean right behind it, just in case somethnig happens to you en-route.

    and remember, classic D&V symptoms mean complete lose of the use of your legs too…. so no walking to the ambulance, no sireeeeeee bob, you need to be carried out to the ambulance from you 10th floor, no working lift, flat

  7. Well, the comment verification letters are bwc&p. Most appropriate, as c&p must surely stand for crap and puke. Too many possibilities for bw that fit the bill!(Apologies to those of a sensitive disposition.)

    Hope you get better soon.

  8. Sounds like food poisoning to me. Our physician told me if you became ill with stomach/digestive ailments within three hours of eating, you're likely to be a victimof food poisoning. Is it possible to report them to your local public health/sanitation department (or the UK equivalent)? They ought not be permitted to continue sickening their clientele.

  9. Well, you probably know this but get some dioralyte or sip flat coke.Hope you feel better soon. Kebabs are the devils work especially the ones that come off that big chunk of unidentified 'meat' on a stick. Bleurrgh! Astrid x

  10. yukjust going to have my dinner so kind of wish i hadnt read your blog first!

    however, now i have, hope you feel better real soon!

  11. Wonder how he's getting on…that post was some time ago. Maybe someone ought to run round his flat with a pack of loo roll and a bottle of lucozade.

  12. Get well soon tom,and if you do ring an ambulance, you should request to be put thru to the writer of neenaw.co.uk, just so we can get the call form both ends of the stick.

  13. The writer of nee naw is at home tonight putting his feet up. However, if Tom waits a three days to call the ambulance, just like most people with his symptoms seem to, then I might just be around.

  14. You are not alone. 36 hours on for me and things are settling down – to the point where I am bonding with my powerbook again. Still haven't eaten mind you.What you didn't mention was the type of kebab. You didn't go for the chicken kebab did you? This type carries a risk that must be two orders of magnitude worse than an 'unidenfied/dog/cat/rat' type kebab. Funny thing is though, they always go down well after a few beers…

  15. Nasty. As others have said drink plenty so that you don't dehydrate (but you knew that anyway, didn't you). If it goes on for any length of time then see your doctor – they may be useless but they do hand out sick notes and prescribe pills.If it was a Kebab you can see why they cause so much trouble by watching the filth files (Sky Travel on freeview. They show the same half dozen or so episodes at least twice a day as a filler). Basically the meat cylinders come frozen and need careful handling or raw meat juices will contaminate your dinner! On the program they are very keen on them being second cooked on a hot plate after they are carved.

    Don't call an ambulance until you are unconscious 😉

    Get Will Soon


  16. I've had this shit three times now (rotten luck) and the best advice I have had is as follows:Eat boring boring food (complex carbs and nowt else) for 24-48 hours. Baked spuds with water/skimmed milk. Then eat whatever you like.

    The theory is that the bugglies can't get much out of the boring food cos your digsestive system will get to it quickly, but by 1/2 days they should be far enough 'down' that you are best off eating stuff to give you strength.

    Hope you feel better soon.


    PS: *Keep a stool/vomit sample* or the health people can't prove anything and you can't get the unclean shithanded bastards closed down.

  17. I've had this shit three times now (rotten luck) and the best advice I have had is as follows:Eat boring boring food (complex carbs and nowt else) for 24-48 hours. Baked spuds with water/skimmed milk. Then eat whatever you like.

    The theory is that the bugglies can't get much out of the boring food cos your digsestive system will get to it quickly, but by 1/2 days they should be far enough 'down' that you are best off eating stuff to give you strength.

    Hope you feel better soon.


    PS: *Keep a stool/vomit sample* or the health people can't prove anything and you can't get the unclean shithanded bastards closed down.

  18. Those 10 mins after you've just being sick are the best. It's just the next 50 mins that I get of feeling like poo before I'm sick again that I hate.

  19. 'I wonder if I should call an ambulance?'I guess that would be your RRV being driven by remote control from the ambulance control centre. When it arrives you'll just have to get your bag from the back and treat yourself, as there are not enough staff in at the moment!

    With you guys meeting so many sick people, it is amazing you don't fall sick even more often!

    Hope you feel better soon, and we don't need to send out the search party.

    The Driving Instructor

  20. You should never have a kebab from one of those shifty looking shops. There is probably only 1 decent kebab place in the UK…and it moves.Seriously, the only place to get a kebab from is a restaurant…at least you know it's probably been cooked…as opposed to heated to room temp.

  21. as someone who spent two weeks with campylobacter last summer, you have my sympathies. i read a good bit about it at the time because i am a medical microbiologist and us scientists like to know what we are shitting (in my case, my gut!) and as my dad is a gp i got to know quite a bit about the best treatment.1)no eating! stop it now. it'll do your poor insides no good at all

    2)drink lots and lots of sugary drinks to keep your spirits and fluids up. After a week i got really sick of the taste of coke and fanta lemon so i moved onto posh things like schloer. rehydration fluids taste foul so i took them with a big slug of ribena mixed in too, and drank them as fast as poss. if you were away from medical help then you would have to drink flat coke, eat bananas and salty crisps to keep your salt and sugar at the right level(take note for the next foreign episode of delhi belly), but you aren't, so go for the sachets.

    3) it is quite likely that you have something notifiable. food poisoning is massively underreported. give your gp a phone and explain to the receptionist that you have food poisoning and would appreciate it if a gp would pop round when it suits them to let you give them some samples and to supply some rehydation sachets. they should comply.

    as i started work in a microbiology lab today (in the office, sigh) i can be all ecclesiastical about reporting these things. v important, although you will end up with environmental health crawling all over you.

  22. Oooh.Dry toast and crackers – anything to put a bit of fibre in there, reduce the icy-spine side effects. Said the old wife.

    Seriously – get well soon.

  23. Would this be a good time to ask if you are a Johnny Cash fan?”Ring of Fire” was one of his all time classics – do you know it?

  24. Tea and Toast fits the bill, to replace some of the ick coming out of every opening known to man.I miss Hot Tea! I make it here, but there is nothing like good British Tea…I wished I had learned how to make it the proper way when I lived there. To you to know I would miss it. Especially when I have the icks….

    Would anyone like to teach me how to make a proper cup of tea?

  25. The bible you are looking for is called A Nice Cup Of Tea And A Sit Down by Nicey and Wifey. Available from bookshops and good for reading while having a nice sup of tea and a sit down.Or go to the website

  26. You need proper British tea, blended to be served with milk for a start – I can recommend Tetley. Also use pasteurised milk, not UHT or sterilised.Put teabag in mug. Pour on properly boiling water (the second the kettle clicks off). Swish bag around for a minute or so. Fish out bag. Add milk to taste.

    Easy 🙂

  27. that's not the proper way, that's “quick method 1”.The proper way goes something like this….

    1. Fill kettle (for those in the US this may involve a drive to the store to buy a kettle). This is not the same thing as a teapot. A kettle is an electrical device that boils water. When I was in the US I was utterly shocked by how hard they were to find.

    2. Boil water. Not just warm up slightly – boil. This is why electric kettles are good. The automatic cut-out guarantees good boiling water.

    3. Warm the pot. Pour a small amount of water (say 1/2 a cup) into the teapot and swirl around. empty teapot. Incidentally – putting teapots in the microwave (as recommended on the instructions of a teapot I bought in the US) is bad and wrong.

    4. add tea leaves to pot. preferably not tea leaves that come in bags but loose leaf tea.

    5. boil water (yes, I know you only just did that, but the water is no longer on the boil, so it's clearly not nearly hot enough).

    6. pour water into teapot (yes, you've been waiting for this bit)

    7. find mug.

    8. pour a bit of milk into mug. Semi-skimmed pasteurised is good.

    9. add sugar to taste.

    10. wait….

    11. wait some more….

    12. hum

    13. wonder idly if the tea is ready yet…. fidget…

    14. find tea strainer. (a dinky sieve for stopping all the tea leaves ending up in your mug, which of course is not needed if you used tea bags, but you'd NEVER do that surely).

    15. pour tiny bit of tea from pot into mug.

    16. whinge about how it's not strong enough yet

    17. wait…

    18. test tea again.

    19. once tea is at desired strength pour into mug (using strainer).

    20. pour for anyone else who happens to have wondered in off the street.

    To me this completely explains why Britain is such a wonderful place. Any problem is easily solved by having a cup of tea. It works because by the time you've finished making the tea the problem has

    a) been forgotten about

    b) been solved by someone else

    c) given up through sheer boredom and wandered off

    So I recommend many cups of tea to speed recovery of dodgy tum. By the time it's ready you'll be feeling much better.

    oh, and I use 'quick method 2' which is just like quick method 1 but adds the milk later. yes, I know that's a religious issue.

  28. Ta for the Proper Cup of Tea instructions. It was greatly appreciated…..Now if someone could tell me how to get good fish and chips or bangers and chips here…oh and lets not forget a good fry up…salt and vinegar chips…Oh I am getting home sick….

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