For the final post about FBUA (for I am on night-shifts from tonight), I’d like to relate the tale of the doorknob.

A forty five year old male came into A&E with a doorknob inserted where the sun doesn’t shine.

His story was less than original.  Apparently he enjoyed vacuuming his house while naked.  While doing this he had backed up against his living room door, only to have the doorknob disappear up his rectum.  Unfortunately the doorknob was loose, and when he tried to remove himself, the doorknob gave way and thus became trapped up his bum.  Thankfully he got dressed before making his way to hospital.

Cue surgery, and removal of said object, when asked if it caused much damage, the surgeon replied “It wrecked ‘em”.

Bad joke, I know – but that’s surgeons for you, she probably spent the entire surgery thinking that one up.

I vaguely remember two stories – one of a woman who came to our hospital with a bed-knob inserted anally.  The other is of a person who shaves doll heads, swallows them and then gains sexual gratification from passing them in his stool.  This may not be true (I read it on the Internet) , but it wouldn’t surprise me if it were.

Back to blogging about work tonight – and although I can’t promise that the subject matter will reach any great cultural heights, it can only improve on writing about FBUAs.

7 thoughts on “Doorknob”

  1. I don't think its really that unusual, I know the Girl likes doing it in 7″ heels and not much else. And a friend of mine has said she cleans in stockings and suspenders.and everthing you read on the internet is True.

  2. Actually Dre, you'll find 6″ is more than fine for me.Reynolds, a fascinating week of stories, I've been laughing my head off at the inanity of the stories people come up with to explain their behaviour. I'm still confused though: surely if the UA thing is their 'thing', it would just be easier (and safer) to purchase an item specially made for the event?

    Keep up the good work mate, I love your blog!

    The Girl

  3. Well…exactly.I'm one of those “consenting adults” permissive type people, so if people want to out things up their bum, then all power to them. But – if they are going to put something up there that will require surgery to get it out, then they are just a bit daft.

    Not that I'm an expert – but aren't 'butt-plugs' designed to stop this sort of thing happening.

    On the other hand – without such people, us medical folk wouldn't have half as many funny stories to share with friends down the pub…

  4. Buttplugs – I understood from a friend of a friend, that these are to stop anal seepage and suchlike, but I don't know if that's true or not.BTW, you could almost have called this miniseries 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks'…

  5. I very nearly did – but have only just remembered a 'broomstick'/'Rectum' story.Hmmm…Shall I add it to the series later tonight…

  6. Oh dear,No, buttplugs aren't to stop “anal seepage” they're for good old fashioned pleasure just like most other sex toys. Just ask any sex worker… most guys don't know it, but even the straightest of straight often react favourably to a discreet finger up the bum whilst getting down to business. Sex workers often employ this trick to 'hurry things along'.

    The shape is such with a wide base to stop it being 'sucked in' (resulting in a trip to your local very understanding A&E), and the big head is to apply pressure to the back of the prostate (that's the bit that is meant to feel good…).

    Apparently a similar technique is used (but with white coats and big ol' rubber gloves) to havest sperm from cattle to then be used to inseminate herds. It's true… I read it somewhere.

    Erm… I'll just get my coat.


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