…Can all alcoholics please just get drunk in their houses and fall asleep there? Why do you insist that you drink your Tennents Super in a public place where some do-gooder will think you are ill and call me out.

…Can you also have a bath once in a while? I know it's nice to roll around in the road while drunk, but it'd be nice if you were at least a bit clean to start with.

…Would you mind awfully if you don't swear at me, take a swing at me or expose yourself to me. I have quite enough abuse from the non-drunks out there… Still at least your fists are easy to dodge, and if I stop holding you up, you fall over.

…If you have a medical condition, please don't use it as an excuse to get taken into hospital. If you tell me “I'm drunk and need to sleep it off”, I have less work to do than if you tell me that you have “Chest pain, Angina, Cancer and Difficulty in Breathing”. The more tests I have to do the longer it'll be before you get to hospital, and the more I have to come into physical contact with you.

…When you have been sick, at some point in the next week or so, could you please change your clothing. Give them to someone who hasn't knackered their brain on booze to wash. Dry vomit on the clothing, while advertising your love for beer, doesn't endear yourself to me thankyewverymuch.

…Please keep your weight down either through diet or terminal liver failure. As I'm the poor bastard that has to lug the dead weight of your unconscious body into and out of the ambulance.

…You don't have to tell me “I'm an Alcoholic”, and sound so proud about it. I do have a nose, and can smell for myself.

…Finally although Tennent's Super strong and White Lightning and for the rare rich alcoholic Stella Artois could you please come up with some less damaging drink? I think lighter fuel is better for you and contains less chemicals.

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