Rant Alert! Rant Alert!

The past couple of nights I've gone to calls that I've wanted to grab some parents and shake some common sense into them. Instead I have to be polite, if only for the quiet life.
Apologies – Judgemental post ahoy!

“Madam”, I hear myself say, “the reason that your four children have asthma may well have something to do with the four packs of cigarettes I see sitting on the sofa. When you were at the ante natal classes, and they told you the effects of smoking on your children, did you think that they just liked to hear the sound of their own voices? Or, did you in an uncharacteristic spark of intelligence, think that they may just be the agents of some vast conspiracy financed by the companies who make nicotine patches?”.

“You might also consider that the reason all your children have runny noses, is because smoking makes them less likely to fight off respiratory infections. You might not know this, but asthma kills people, and that includes your children. You are condemming them to a shortened life of ill health and hospital visits, all so that you can feed your oral fixation.”

To other parents I might say…

“So, when you got an electric shock from the uninsulated wire poking from that hole in the wall, you didn't think of…I don't know…lets say protecting your children by having it fixed? Sure it might cost you a bit of money, but at least your toddler wouldn't now be in hospital to make sure that being electrocuted by mains electricity didn't do any permanent harm”.

“I like that toy”, I'd say to another mother of two, “I particularly like the little bite-sized bits of plastic that are strewn over the floor, yes I understand that your oldest child is a mite untidy, but when your 18 month old is choking to death on a toy soldier, you might consider it too late to tidy up. I know it's hard to teach six year olds to clean up after themselves, especially one who seems to be happier peeling your wallpaper off the wall while you shout at him to 'stop fuckin' doin' that!'. Perhaps you might try a different approach? In answer to your question, no you can't smoke in the back of the ambulance”.

To one angry parent I might say…

“So your baby stopped breathing for five minutes? And I took over half an hour to come? Well, I'd like to show you the time you called, and how it took me only two minutes to get here, but I think the computer display in my car might confuse you. Besides, I'm not delivering your pizza, you don't get your money back if I'm longer than thirty minutes. Still, back to the baby – she's breathing alright now, perhaps I could interest you in employment in the ambulance service, as you seem to have a Christ-like ability to get children breathing again. Oh, sorry, baby is a 'he' not a 'she'? Sorry, I was confused at the two hoop earrings, the three necklaces, and the rings, all at under six months. Why stop there? Maybe they would like their belly button pierced as well? Still I suppose 'Shayne' is a manly name, funny way of spelling it though. Never mind, we're off to hospital now, don't forget your fags”.

And don't forget those who may have strange priorities…

“JESUS CHRIST! Aren't the six foot Santa's and inflatable snowmen supposed to be outside the house? I thought I was going to get mugged by a madman in red. Nice television though, if you could just turn the volume down a little so I can hear what you are saying to me. Yes Tyler is an adorable eight year old, even if he did injure himself smashing his neighbour's windows. Why, might I ask are his hands that colour? Ah, how silly of me, paint from his self expression in the fine art of graffiti. Did you consider a taxi to take you the 400 yards to hospital. You can't afford one? Ever think of selling the TV? Or maybe the Santa?. Yes, yes, you can bring your cigarettes”.

And breathe…and relax…

It was supposed to end at the first paragraph, but I just kept rolling. Oops.

I find it funny that a lot of the blogs that I read are 'winding down' a little for Christmas, either reducing posts, or taking a complete holiday. Me…I'm just getting busier and busier. Good job I'm a faithless Heathen.

14 thoughts on “Rant Alert! Rant Alert!”

  1. I can sympathize even though all my working time was spent in a hospital. I will never get the image of a trach patient sitting in the smoking area holding a cigarette to his trach smoking away. Another patient had been ventilator dependant for over four years. Ater working with him for six plus months to wean him from the vent, he was sent to a regular room. He still had his trach. Within a week he was found dead in a bathroom with Camels all around him. After not smoking for at least five years, one of the first things he did was to get one of his buddies to go buy him a carton. Go figure.

  2. It always amazes me how some people can find the strength to lift a 42″ rear projection tv up seven floors (no lift), but totally lose the use of legs (and brain) for that crippling half hour headache that had no pain relief…… must be the fags!

  3. Ah, the internal monologues you have to hold in, generally with the help of powerful contractions. At least, it takes a lot of effort for me. After a day with a lot of that, I'm exhausted just from the strain of not speaking. I really admire your stamina!

  4. Just confirms my theory that you should have to take an exam before your allowed to have children…..should reduce the population nicely.

  5. So just stop having a go at Social Services, who do their best to combat these ignorant fuckers and the things they do to their children!They've even had to start putting on Parenting Classes these days, with slides that explain that Mars Bars are not proper nutrition…!

  6. sometimes they do pay attention to the advice to not smoke in the home – the woman in the flat next to me takes both her kids (14 months and 4 weeks old respectively) out onto the porch with her, even with the snow and ice we've got at the moment, several times a day while she has a cigarette. Sometimes people from other flats join her on the porch for a fag – it gets quite smoky, I hate walking through it.They have colds a lot.

  7. ah, you'll like this gem…(speaking of her one-year-old) “I think I shouldn't have given her the organic baby foods when she was littler, cos now when I give her sweeties or chocolate she goes a bit mental and then gets moody for the rest of the day. I think, like, she's not got a tolerance for sugar. She doesn't even seem to like sweets.”

    “Why give her sweets then?”

    “Cos I can't not give her sweets, that would be nasty, wouldn't it?”

  8. “Besides, I'm not delivering your pizza, you don't get your money back if I'm longer than thirty minutes. “This made me laugh so hard that tears rolled down my cheeks, and I have a really bad feeling that I am going to remember it next time a caller starts bitching about how an ambulance has taken more than two minutes to reach their vomiting child. I am going to have to seal my mouth up with gaffa tape to stop it escaping.

  9. Re the mother mumping about organic baby foods/sweets – we had one once, a bloody trained nurse for chrissakes, made up her babies bottles with perrier…………………………then wondered why its U's&E's were fucked up.

  10. Ah, Tom I could swear you were talking about my very own patients in sunny melbourne last month!Tho, I am seeing things through rose tinted glasses at the moment having scored the month of December off (!) and having returned from a glorious 10 day holiday in tropical north queensland.

    Merry christmas!

  11. The last time I was in hospital the man in the bed opposite was due to have an operation to remove a tumour that was going to require half of his face being stripped back. He knew he had the tumour because of his smoking. But he was really afraid, and he needed to go and have an occasional smoke to calm his nerves.I hate smoke and the effect it has on the smoker and on me. But have a bit of consideration for the smoker. He/she's generally just a fallible human being like you and me, stuck with an addiction or using the deathstick as a way of fending off the other grim problems of everyday life. We've all got our own areas of moral defect. Better to take a step back and then blast off at the tobacco companies and the likes of Kenneth Clarke and Bernie Ecclestone.

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