You may have seen this before, but I read it for the first time last night, and my ribs are still hurting because I was laughing so much.  As I’m not working for the next couple of days you are going to have to put up with whatever I can think of.  If you behave yourself I may do some live posting on my Friday nightshift.



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1. Wrap it in bacon.

18 thoughts on “Pill”

  1. 1. Thoroughly clean toilet.2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

    3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

    4. In one quick move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

    5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.

    (Ignore noise from inside toilet, the cat is really enjoying this)

    6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

    7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

    8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

    Hey presto – bathed cat with no stress

    Yours Sincerely,

    The Dog

  2. But then you get a cat like mine, and I can brush his teeth (Thought the vet was crazy when she told us to do it) and he just lets me. I can brush his fur and he rolls over to let me get his belly. Liquid meds are easiest, just lie him on his side and syringe it in, he just has to lap and swallow.But this is a very unusual cat, even the vet thought so, and she kissed him on the head during the exam.

    Just goes to show that stereotypes are funny, but not to be relied upon. And yes, I read this aloud to my husband, and we were both laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.

    And Heinlein never knew shit about women, or men either really.

  3. Yep, been there, done that, mopped up the blood and screamed when the Dettol was poured on.Best way yet is to crush the pills, mix the powder up in a dod of butter then rub the mixture down their legs.

    The wee sods cant help licking it off, they get their meds and I'm pain free.

  4. I'm confused – how the heck do you get the dog to stay still while you wrap him in bacon? And is smoked or unsmoked better – suppose it depends on the breed of dog.

  5. OMG u blogged about a cat..admittedly not your own cat, but still a cat…I'm sure thats in breach of several “laws” of proffesional blogging.However, really funny and so so true.

  6. My ex in laws had a Scottish Deerhound (like an Irish wolfhound but less intelligence). Worming it was easy – leave worm pill on kitchen worktop, dog steals pill, eats pill. Job done.For that snowy Xmas effect, leave large pack of sanitary towels on same worktop, come down in morning to fluffy white kitchen.

  7. very funny! And absolutely true…my poor dog has just had a tumour removed from her bottom and the bacon trick works every time for the antibiotic tableys. Not so easy to get the cream on her bottom and then the fly repellant to keep the Australian flies away from her!

  8. Very funny – and true.But there's always the towel trick, which helps to keep paws – and claws – at bay if all else fails.

    And don't forget to tickle them under their chin to make them swallow the pill after you've got it in their mouth – works almost every time.

  9. Cute. I am property of two cats and I could relate to the above in my early days of slavery. Age and experience have brought a bit of wisdom and I can now administer pills and injections to the moggies very quickly and efficiently.The trick is to behave with a mock no-nonsense vet attitude, as cats will use any trace of human hesitation to scratch you blind and shred your nostrils. Other piece of advice, if you don't succeed on the first go, don't try again immediately (you're bound to bleed), just wait a few hours.

    Talking about cats, one of my favourite author once said: “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” –Robert A. Heinlein–

  10. Sorry to go all RSPCA on you, but I think this comment should have a disclaimer attached, since it could be viewed as supporting an act of cruelty to an animal.I know its supposed to be a joke, (or at least I hope it is), but some people might take this comment literally and actually try it – risking their cat's life in the process.

    Just want to avoid any animals getting hurt, is all…

  11. I totally understand where you are coming from, as I am a long-term member and volunteer for PETA. However, the “Bathing the Cat” author is a dog, so I really don't think anybody would take this instruction seriously.

  12. The alternative, which most people who know me do, is call the nearest vet student and tell him (or her) that it would be great work experience. I have several scars up my forearms from cats already, and I expect to collect more in the future.

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