Originally uploaded by Random_Reality.

At Ikea. Will to live fading. Name of computer desk only bearable thing. Send help now – need easy way to commit suicide…

UPDATE: So, the reason why I was in Ikea was purely because my mother can’t stand driving on the A13 (one of our more dangerous roads).  So as the good son who can drive, I was designated to take mother and brother to that Hell of furniture.  Why furniture?  Well they have decided to redecorate their house.

I only did this because Mum brought me some flat coke when I was too poorly to set foot outside my flat, so I kinda owed her a favour.

Obviously my diarrhea and vomiting are much better, thanks for all the advice, and I do wish I’d saved a stool sample to send off to an enviromental health lab – but my mind had been on other things.

I also got lumbered with cutting of the excess wallpaper at their place.  My mum doesn’t trust my brother with anything sharp – that’s why he marks all his school books in crayon.

Now I have an hour to get ready for my Tuesday night meet-up with my friends around my place.  At least I don’t have to make myself look beautiful…

30 thoughts on “Ikea”

  1. Sorry – if you're at Ikea, you're beyond our help. Good luck making it out of there – a slim hope, I know, but you just might…

  2. The latter, def. the latter…I mean, c'mon, you've *seen* pictures of me.

    (Interestingly, the verification was 'bs@me', make of that as you will)

  3. I think all the fluid you lost during your illness has resulted in brain dehydration, during which state the Ikea Nesting Instinct can kick in quite strongly. The Instinct as it manifests in most single people in their early 30s is due to the brain-sucking effect of dry office air, and cubicle based working. In your case it can easily be dealt with by the purchase of a bottle of lucozade sport (although it's not officially for that purpose…Ikea would sue).Having said that… “Jerker”




  4. I bloody hate Ikea – stupid shop, stupid layout, stupid (if yet amusing) names. Unfortunately cheap arse students like myself dont have too much in the way of options when it comes to affording furniture, so cheap affordable swedish crap is sadly the way to go.sigh.

  5. It's the fluorescent lights. The only effective solution is prevention. You have to have your tin foil beanie firmly in place GOING IN. If, through unpardonable carelessness, you forget to use protection, the only hope is to hook your smallest finger into the belt loop of anyone who looks like they're headed out, and hope they can pull you to safety.

  6. You can buy a kit for that at Ikea. You have inane half correct diagramatic instructions that take up half a page, the supplied knife will be missing a blade but they can post one out to you within four weeks.In the meantime would you like some meatballs sir?


  7. Hmm…now is probably not the time to show you this from Sky News. I suppose it gives fair warning to anyone going to Patras.Incidentally, I have never been to IKEA….I'm not even sure where the nearest one is.

  8. Oh IKEA isn't that bad – I've had fun there – getting stuck in a sofa – while loads of very British people casually ignored my husband yanking me out of it, and making a train with two office stools on wheels and my chair…..

  9. I'm sure you owed your mum a favor after she came & looked after while you were ill. Believe it or not, there are worse places than IKEA to shop. Walmart Supercenters for one. Tysons Galleria for another- if only because of the crowds.

  10. a) They misspelled effektiv (means “efficient”).b) Guide to pronouncing “Jerker” in a non-funny, correct way:

    The J is pronounced like a Y in english, and the first E is pronounced like the E in the word “less”. Essentially. It's a boy's name, btw.

    c) Swedes find foreigners' attempts at pronounciation of IKEA product names to be hilarious. All the names mean something in swedish, for those of you who don't know.

    d) *swedish*

  11. Only light relief when in Ikea is distract front desk staff and grab tannoy microphone. Announce in slightly pompous, but concerned voice “Would Mr and Mrs Smith please return to the children' ball room where your child is being resuscitated, thank you”On way out buy jar of pickled fishy things for least favourite relative and consider how ikea fouton would look in back of ambulance instead of FW stretcher.

  12. Backing up the other anonymous, I'm not looking for traffic, but the only popular entry I ever wrote on my legal translation weblog was a quick translation of a German article on where IKEA gets the names from. They have a bed called Gutvik whose name pronounced in German sounds like a good f*!? Here's the beginning:Bookcase ranges: Occupations

    Bathroom articles: Scandinavian lakes, rivers and bays

    Kitchens: grammatical terms, sometimes also other names


    (comments are closed because of spam)


  13. The layout is deliberate, once inside, you have to walk past *all* their stuff before you can get to the exit. (Unless, of course, you happen to know the staff shortcuts.)It's an evil plan (Is there any other kind?) by Marketing.


  14. As a Swede I love IKEA. It is the only form of Swedish cultural imperialism that remain since we stopped plundering and raping the Britts. Everywhere I go in the world there is an IKEA where I can go buy my Swedish foods.A very important note though! NEVER EVER GO TO IKEA ON A WEEKEND! There has been deaths! The stores often publish statistics on the number of people in the shops at all times throughout the week. Spot the calm period and go then – it is usually the last hours before closing.

    Bring a Swedish dictionary and have a laugh at all the names. IKEA means Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd – a combination of the founder's name and his birthplace village Elmtaryd-Agunnaryd.

  15. I'm thrilled you used my flat coke – I didn't sign and it came out anon. So glad you're better. Yay for Mums and Grans!Pat

  16. Hey, if you preserve some in formalin for me, i'll have a look! I've been seeing far too many stool samples anyway!

  17. IKEA: must watch Fight Club.Cannot resist the urge. Must watch Fight Club.

    Resistance is futile. Must watch Fight Club.

  18. So did you escape WITHOUT purchasing tea lights??If you did, well done. You've done better that most of IKEA's customers, who usually end up in the carpark with a bag of 100 tealights and a puzzled expression.

    As for your last statement, that could be interpreted in two ways – you are devastatingly handsome and have no need for artificial beauty aids, or you are so ugly that artificial beauty aids are no use.

    I'm guessing the former.

  19. 'My mum doesnt trust my brother with anything sharp thats why he marks all his school books in crayon.'- I had to smile at that. I am presuming he's a secondary teacher and it has finally all got to him, poor lad!

  20. If you ever go to ShoeburynessTake the A-road, the OK-road, that's the best

    Go motoring on the A13

    Billy Bragg – 'A13, Trunk Road to the Sea'

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