Carrots

As promised, the quality of this blog is about to nosedive, as I discuss some of the things I have personally witnessed up a patients rectum.

I’ve not seen a FBUA (foreign body up arse) while in the ambulance service – I think most people are so embarrassed that they tend to make their own way to hospital rather than risk being laughed at by two hairy armed ambulance people.

The one that sticks most in my mind was the first one I ever came across – I was working in A&E at the time, and I think I’d only been there a year or so, when I saw a load of doctors crouched around an abdominal X-Ray. 

“You can see it there”, said one.

“Don’t be daft, but you can see the bowel being pushed out of shape”, another said dismissively.

“Of course you can’t see it”, said another, “It’s organic…”

Being a nosey nurse I asked what they were looking at, and was told that the patient had a carrot up their rectum.  Looking closely at the x-ray I could see where the lower part of the bowel was stretched upward by a large amount.  There was no sign of the alleged carrot – but then it wouldn’t show up in a normal x-ray film anyway, it being as organic as the flesh that x-rays go through unimpeded.

The story I was told was that the patient was a 72 year old male who had gotten his groceries and was taking a short-cut across the local park when he was ‘caught short’.  Desperate to open his bowels, he had dropped his trousers and crouched behind a tree to *cough* ‘squeeze one out’.  However, two 15 year old boys ran up behind him, grabbed a carrot from the bag and inserted it rectally.

The patient didn’t want the police involved because he “didn’t want to be any trouble”.

Us professionally trained staff, were of course sympathetic to his plight, and obviously believed every word of his tale. 

Who am I kidding, we didn’t believe a word of it.  The patient went to have the carrot surgically removed and all was well in the world.

But carrots are a popular thing – it was a year or two later, when I had become much more cynical, that I came across another ‘carrot insertion incident’.  The patient was a young male who fully admitted having taken some ‘Ecstasy’, and had been fooling around with a carrot when it had become stuck.

The patient himself wasn’t too bothered because, ever mindful of disease, he had put a condom on the carrot.

So I think the government is giving our youths the wrong message when it tries to dissuade drug use.  Instead of the dangers of overdose, heart attacks and reduced sexual function, they should just show a picture of someone putting a condom wrapped carrot up their arse while thinking it’s a good idea.

19 thoughts on “Carrots”

  1. My mother-in-law worked as A&E sister for many years so she got to attend various incidents:The most common FBUA incident they would deal with was gentlemen who had inserted deodorant containers and upon removal of said deodorant container the lid would become detached and firmly stuck.

    There was the man who thought it might be pleasant to experience the delights of the suction power of one of those handheld dustbuster vacuum cleaners. Except he removed some pieces to get a better fit resulting in the need for surgery after encountering the spinning fan blade.

    Ps. I won't mention the woman who pleasured herself with a glass drink bottle and in doing so created a vacuum so she couldn't remove the bottle. This was remedied by drilling a hole into the bottle to balance the pressure.

  2. Carrots are the ROOT of all evil, ha ha!We've had glass jars, too and vacuum cleaner crevice tools (!) and mint sauce bottles.

    What always surprises me is the number of people who walk about the house in the nude and then fall on things, bottom first!

  3. Then I shall promise to stop coming around your place, tying you to a chair and forcing you to read it at gunpoint.

  4. I just posted the following on my blog, by coincidence! I had another medically-related post and this followed on nicely. Enjoy:I don't have too many medical stories of my own, but this one's a corker. It's not a “friend of a friend” story – it happened to a guy I used to know years ago and I heard it first hand. I have no reason to doubt him because, frankly, he was that stupid. I won't say who, nobody who reads this blog knows him (unless by some freak coincidence) so I don't fell bad about telling it. Besides, it would be a shame not to share it.

    Basically, he had a bit of a problem. A fairly embarassing one. He'd developed a little bit of a fetish and had caused himself a possible problem.

    So, a trip to the university health centre was in order. Things got worse when he was informed that the only doctor in attendance was a young lady. He swallowed his pride and went in.

    I believe he described his complaint somewhat like this:

    “Erm… Well, what it is is that I kind of… erm… *sigh* I lost count. I'm not sure if I…”

    pause

    “I shoved a load of Monopoly hotels up my arse and I don't know if I got them all back out or not.”

    Not the way to impress a young lady in the medical profession.

    This escapade was the last of his bumfoolery I heard of, but I know he also tried saucepan handles, amongst other things. I am so glad I didn't have to share a house with him.

  5. I've only recently found this blog (and blogs in general actually) and have to say I find all of it interesting! The Dilemmas idea is good. I'd like to see that develop but I also like all the funny bits and the sad bits. I couldn't agree more with your piece on Psych services. I work in that field myself, but not as a Nurse…and I am more and more horrified, year on year, by the lack of altruism and/ or professionalism. RGNs would never get away with it. Keep up the great blog. It's a really good read. Thankyou.

  6. Then there are the urethral adventures. I think the oddest thing I ever witnessed taken from a bladder was a single kidney bean.Moira

  7. It must have taken some pushing to get it up there – how far up was it?[Perhaps it had originally bean in the kidney.]

  8. Similarly, fart lighting trauma must be quite a popular category on the a&e admissions chart? I've never forgotten my two childhood friends (male of course – girls just fart – teenage boys seem to think they have to light them!) who were actually seventeen at the time partaking in a fart lighting competition. It all went horribly wrong when there was an almighty green flash which disappeared up ****'s backside rather swiftly due to a slight suction problem. He had to go to hospital and suffer the mortal embarrassment of explaining to a very pretty nurse what he had done. We are all still friends to this day and LOVE to remind him. I've never laughed so hard in all my life – it really was quite astonishing to watch but nevertheless extremely painful for him as he was rather badly burned. He is now a respectable media lawyer and is due to get married this year – we are saving that one for the best man's speech – oh yes!

  9. I've seen straw, a drinking straw, a chopstick and a ball bearing up there before. If I remember right the straw (plant material) was the worst as it had broken off an the rough edges of it had lacerated the urethra.*shudder*

  10. Funny.The bean was floating around in the bladder itself. It took some serious maneuvering to get it out in one piece. Being nicely jaded at that point, I went directly to lunch afterwards and had the usual salad with the usual toppings.

    Moira

  11. Tom!!!I'm still on my catch-up exercise (getting closer to today!) – but, although this post was some time ago, I MUST comment that the comments are hilarious – I ended up wiping tears away at the thought of the nurse counting the Monopoly hotels!

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