And A Child Is Born…

Just in from my late-shift and feeling more upbeat than normal, for tonight I delivered my first baby. And yet I can still turn this happy event into a rant.
Picture the scene, you are a midwife (this means you have a chip on your shoulder the size of the African debt), and a lady comes in to your maternity department in the first stages of labour. Do you…

(a) Say hello, take a room and we'll have that baby out as soon as we can, or…

(b) Tell them to go home and come back when the pain gets worse.

Guess which answer results in your baby being delivered by an ambulance bloke who has one days training in maternity (and to be honest slept through most of it)?

Then when I take mother and baby into the same maternity department are you…

(a) Vaguely apologetic, or…

(b) Snotty towards the ambulance crew who did your work for you.

Can you guess that tonight I got (b) for both questions?

Otherwise a nice simple delivery with dad shooting pictures on his mobile phone sending them to all and sundry while his wife was laying, bloodstained and naked on a leather sofa. Blood went all over that sofa, which come summer will start to smell just a little rank. Blood also went all over me (note to self – must remember to pack wellies next time) and my acting skills (“Don't worry mum, all normal, I've done hundreds of deliveries”) were tested to the limit.

And I didn't have to pick up any alcoholics.

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