Fat B*stard

I haven't blogged for a bit so that the last post of mine would be at the top of the page for a while; I think it's an important issue that needs to be discussed in public.

I'm not as thin as I used to be. Come the end of April and I shall be engaging in that thing called 'exercise', my belly is resembling a pot and I get out of puff walking up two flights of stairs. This is not good for a youngish man such as myself.

It's good to see that my own mental image of my body is current though, otherwise I may well have got myself in some serious trouble.

We were called to a 'trapped behind locked doors', we arrived and the police were waiting for the 'enforcer', a ram that they use to knock down doors. Given that she was a little old lady, and that they could see her lying on the floor through an open window they didn't fancy smashing her door to pieces.

“Open window”.

I looked at it, it was a very narrow opening but I thought that I would be able to make it.

The thing is; I'm a big kid at heart – give me a door to break down or a window to climb through and I'm a happy soul. It's not so much for the patient's benefit (although obviously I am thinking about the patient) it's more for the fun of the experience.

One of the police found a garden chair that I could stand on, and they eyed me suspiciously as I tried to slide through the window.

The fleece that I was wearing was padding me out too much, so I took it off.

I tried again, this time in was my pen, pen-torch and scissors in my shirt pocket that got in the way. I moved them into my trouser pocket.

One of the police asked if it would help if I were buttered up.

I pretended not to listen to him.

I managed to get my head and chest through the window, then my gut got in the way and there was a momentary fear that I would get stuck in this position, half in, half out the window. I sucked in my stomach and thought 'thin thoughts'. I managed to slip through the window only nearly killing myself in the sink.

I had a little ego boost as, panting heavily, I opened the door so that my crewmate could get in and we could look after the patient who was actually rather ill.

So yes… I need to lose some weight and get fitter than I am at the moment.

Tomorrow I shall be spending the day with Laura, the first chance to see her in a month as our shifts have been opposite each other. A nice trip to the museum I think.

20 thoughts on “Fat B*stard”

  1. In Birmingham, it depends on the easiest way to secure the building afterwards. Doors = Council (usually) plus a bit of a wait for some unlucky copper. Windows = expense and are usually harder to get through anyway.

  2. I too have become fat. Fatter even, over the winter in that I've been driving to work instead of riding and a motorbike in winter is surprisingly hard work.Still, me and the clan are SUPPOSED to be L2B-ing it this year, so the bike awaits along with the weight bench and rower in the garage and the shiny new road bike I've owned for months and been astride only twice. I've got some time off coming – 10 days – which needs to see me get back in the saddle seriously.But do you know what I find the scariest? There are a lot of tower blocks in Birmingham and some very iffy lifts. If me and my crewmate had a resus at the top and no working lift, he/she would have two by the time we got there. Not good for me, my job and worse still for the patient – I already sweat buckets doing CPR and to me, that's just plain negligence.Perhaps AS's need to have some form of annual fitness requirement.

  3. Suddenly, I had this image of Winnie the Pooh, kicking his little legs, stuck in the rabbit hole…Please don't hurt me! ;)Good luck with the exercise program, and do enjoy the day off, you lucky b*stard. 😛 Some of us have to work, you know.

  4. If you haven't seen Laura for a month does she know about this pot belly that you've accumulated?And why the end of April?

  5. On yer bike :)It's almost summer, why not become one of those paramedics who cycles around London instead?

  6. Im not quite sure what to say. I to had this image of a Santa Claus stuck in Window, with his legs riggling about (dont know why its a window). He He, I find that I get out of breath from sitting down and ahving to reach over to the TV remote. (JK for all intents and purpouses that was dry humour, which is not easy to portray over text let alone the internet.) LoL

  7. In Italy, Firefighters usually open the doors by breaking in through a window. It is considered insane to knock down the door, since after moving the patient to the hospital it's impossible to close the knocked down door again.

  8. I know exactly how you feel, I am getting that way too, but I tend to avoid climbing through windows now, last time i did it (and this is no word of a lie) my foot became very wet courtesy of a toilet, it was dark at the time and I was sure that I was going to miss it!! the fun we have eh?

  9. Dear oh dear. And the cheek of that police officer – they're not the most svelte of emergency services personnel themselves!I'd always thought that lifting all your patients would keep your weight under control, but it seems that all those fast food meal breaks on shift are a stronger force!

    Do let us know how the 'Reynolds Window Diet' goes.

  10. “Health Warning”Tom, I'm glad your looking at the fitness and 'smaller belly' side of things, but to be honest mate, if you start to smell then you know you're fat.

    Fat smeg smell is the danger zone dude, so keep away from it!

    You may have wanted rumours of 'he's a big un' at some stage(s) in your life, but with your current growth, people may be talking about the girth of something totally different!!

    Let us all know how your excercise regime goes and whether any more comments have been made so we/I can giggle further at your expense!

  11. One of my two regular Paramedic crewmates says that it's time to worry when you're so fat you can't manage to wipe your own arse. A motto to live by?

  12. Its good to be young and fit (cough)….yeah ok you might get people not take you so seriously but heck if its between that and having a good figure. I think I go with the figure everytime. Life is good

  13. A few years back my crewmate and I went to one of our “regulars”, an OD . This lady was at one time , a high class prossie but time had taken it's toll and she had lost the plot. We could see “Olga” laying on a settee and she would not respond to our shouting, as it was getting close to the end of our shift my mate decided to climb through a kitchen window . As he was half way through with just his arse and legs hanging out he knocked a plate off the sink onto the floor the resulting crash caused Olga to wake with a start , she ran out of the front door and saw the legs waving and asked me “What the F**K is he doing ?? “Trying to help you ” I started to say,” I DON'T NEED ANY F**KING HELP, BUT HE F**KING DOES ” and promptly grabs his balls and pulls him back out . I know I shouldn't ,but I still chuckle when I remember his scream of surprise/pain!!!

  14. And chimneys = expectation of present leaving, and requirement to drink copious amounts of sherry… still at least a big tummy is allowed for that one. Try feeding a carrot to the big yellow taxi though, and it all just falls apart.

  15. I can sympathise mate. I'm a hefty fellow myself and don't envy you having to go through that window.Hey .. look on the bright side .. you'll never get accused of being a cat burgler!

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